I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!
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under no circumstances will my brother take the L
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear