I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!
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I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.
Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.