I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!
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I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
*jingles half the way*
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack
I remember taking my daughter to the movies once and after the second guy in a black leather mask with a zipper mouth showed up I thought, “Hey, this can’t be Frozen.” Anyway, years later, we laugh and laugh about that mistake; her, me and her therapist.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?