I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!
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Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?
Ah..makes sense now
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.