Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.

Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”

I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.

This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.

Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.

Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.

‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am

iPhone X

I can’t stop laughing at this

Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.

i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van

[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.

I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.

me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-

sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet

[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those

“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”

Drunks and 1 year olds.

Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…

It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.

A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.

A white American
White. American.

the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)

Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.

Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.

Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.

Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.

well well well if it isn’t the bridge I said i’d cross when I came to it

Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.

Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?

*puts on Band-Aid*

*bursts into flames*

My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.

So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…

Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.

Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.

Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.

I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.

People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin