Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.

so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?

me:

taco:

me:

taco:

me: he’s shy.

Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.

My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.

Just a reminder, folks:

2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think

2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam

me: you can’t take a joke

joke thief: what

Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..

After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.

To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.

those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks

weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel

So your kid can speak 3 languages?

That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.

Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling

Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working

You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.

It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?

what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”

[inventing eggnog]

Exec: Gag them, but festively.

THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening

Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it

let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,

When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.

YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am

Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity

How I flirt with my husband:

I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk

One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.

It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.

if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.

evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.

So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.

Her: undress me with your words

Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?