Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.

Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?

Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation

[Flashback]

King Solomon: more porcupines

I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.

#ChefDay #RubbishJokes

M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.

H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.

M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.

“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]

The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.

I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.

Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.

Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.

Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.

I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life

So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.

The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!

How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.

The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over

Me: get behind me Satan!

Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache

I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.

Me: [trying to put on pants]

Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?

August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.

in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.

There’s no in-between.

2001 A Space Odyssey 2

The spaceship returns

HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.

He never works.

He becomes the basis for Windows 10.

Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife

TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff

We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.

Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!

Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!

Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty

Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though

Me: IT’S 2AM!

I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.

Keep it mysterious, ladies…

Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.

Him: Do you want your receipt?

*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*