I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
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[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Lube but for my dry humor.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Tell the colonel to bring it
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!