I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
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Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.