Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.

Not how I expected him to come back but okay.

I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.

Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.

Me, meeting anyone from instagram.

Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush

*runs into a burning building to save the fire*

Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker

*first day as a vegan*

“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”

Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“

Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.

It tastes good and that’s all that matters.

Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.

I’ve got the longest to do list for today, just need to figure out who is going to do it

So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.

He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:

— where they were all rural cattle farmers.

The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.

“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office

Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.

Clients after you give them your rates

last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anyway

next year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner

[ english class ]

me: this is useless, i’m outta here

*20 years later*

judge: please rise for your sentence

me: my what

I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.

OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?

WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills

OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died

WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same

Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.

Judge: how do you plead?

Guy: well usually to my wife

Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant

murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed

me: just changing the oil

I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face

I’m so glad that I made the right financial decision in 2018 and ditched my $89/mo cable package so that I can now pay $83/mo for YouTube TV, $23/mo for Netflix, $16/mo for Disney+, $13/mo for Paramount, $15/mo for Prime, $10/mo for AppleTV, and $21/mo for HBO

If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.

If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.

abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours

1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon