I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
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Raisins are grape jerky.
Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.