Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Better than a Justin Bieber concert:

1. Being deaf.

2. A rattlesnake bite.

3. Chewing razor blades.

4. Licking a public toilet seat.

Me: I’ll take this shovel. Do you carry limes

Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean quicklime?

Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?

Cashier: Limes

Me: The other one. The dead body one

Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive

I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.

OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut

{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!

ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.

Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….

my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.

Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.

This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.

Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.

*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*

I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…

Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n

My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.

When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime

[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]

Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?

Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?

I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.

12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight

You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.

Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.

At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.

*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.

Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?

Dad: I’m so hungry.

Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!

*Dad turns head very slowly*

[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]

My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.

A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.

[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this

[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body

Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?

911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.