Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.

when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late

People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”

Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.

The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.

[at the ballet]

“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”

GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore

ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome

Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors

I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.

I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.

My job sucks but it pays the bills.

Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.

husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*

me: what’s with all the water

him: you know FULL WELL

Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news

@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…

I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option

Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.

“It’s not about the money.”

-people with money

How to parallel park:

1) Park somewhere else.

Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?

M: ask him to use his other hand

Therapist: Let me rephrase…

What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?

[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR

My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.

Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*

[gets anchor tattoo removed]

Oh dear

[slowly floats towards the sun]

I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it

The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation

Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.

There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.

[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”