Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is

As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence

15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.

The next time someone does one of those ‘write a 3 word horror story’ competitions, I’m going to enter this picture.

My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.

Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.

Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper

The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.

Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.

Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.

I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.

I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.

8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*

Diabetes was the God of sugar.

Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all

Waiter: what can I get you?

Me: I’ll have what she’s having

Her: two divorces then please

Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no

I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election

Going to change my wifi network name to…

Someone Please Help Me

And give this neighborhood something to talk about.

Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.

Follow me for more relationship advice.

[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man

Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal

Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal

me: cheeseburgers are better than sex

her: maybe you’re doing it wrong

me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon

her: I meant sex

me: me too

Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭

When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”

Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?

God: Yes

Raccoon: Comical?

God: *chuckles* Yes

Raccoon: Would make a great pet?

God: Oh my yes

Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!

God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda

Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway

My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.

If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes