I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
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5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER