“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
You Might Also Like
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
It’s actually pretty easy to win an argument with a woman when you wait until she’s not around to have it.
I hooked my fidget spinner up to my vape pen and The Millennials crowned me King of Avocado Toast
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– oh honey
– nobody would name their kid Trenton
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?