Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete

“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head

hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!

you can read the whole thing here:

this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens

Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.

If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something

the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations

wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”

Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.

Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey

Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.

before therapy: i hate people

after therapy: i feel good about hating people!

Every gift guide for men is like “A flannel flask to hold your knife flavored whiskey.”

Black Friday at the LEGO store, people were lined up for blocks

Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”

Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.

Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*

Kim Paperhands: No.

I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.

ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food

GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste

ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny

She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.

50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”

I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.

To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.

The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.

“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”

-me as a babysitter

Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…

Therapist: Is this true?

Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”

Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth

State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.

Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat