I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
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Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO