I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
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Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say
it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old