Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”

I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”

I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″

I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing

Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?

they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had

Stop me if you’ve heard this one

Daddy I’m full

Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night

(after cleaning up dinner)

Daddy I’m hungry

I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!

Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?

Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.

Me: this pot sucks

Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast

shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room

FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake

PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!

ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*

Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.

[ My unaired House hunters episode ]

Realtor: So what’s your budget?

Me: My budget?

Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?

Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.

I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.

my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead

Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans

Person: *falls in love with me*

Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.

Person: ok cool, never mind.

I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.

My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now

Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.

*stubs toe

*puts $100 in the swear jar

If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.

6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.

[reverse psychology résumé]

Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)

My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”

Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar

Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now