Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids

The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!

This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.

wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t

“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.

Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰

Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive

*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”

When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.

[ first date ]

her: i want a partner that can open my heart

me: well i am a surge-

her: and never do anything to shock me

me: protector

Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.

i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines

I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.

Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.

I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?

*offers Batman cough drops*

[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body

[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood

[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.

I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.

The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.

Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.

sober me: where’s my phone?

drunk me: I’ll never tell

refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this

Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing

First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing

Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit

Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44

I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.

I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.

My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.

[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force

When I take a minute to focus on my own life.

If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.

“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”

-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie

Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?

I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time