Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale. 
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*

ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.

*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?

My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.

My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time

Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work

Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore

NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.

[30 seconds later]

NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.

Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.

If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine

When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?

If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.

Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of

Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?

“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.

I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.

-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.

Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.

store clerk: can I help you find anything

me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*

Do I love my coworkers? No.

But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?

Also no…

I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy

[Home invasion]

Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married

“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times

“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers

“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water

* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross

[typing]

Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?

Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:

Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?

Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill

Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?

Her: don’t

Me: exuberant

Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion