Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.

People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk

I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.

I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?

“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff

2019: the floor is lava

2020: literally don’t touch anything

I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.

I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.

There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.

Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.

The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.

I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.

~ Me, flirting

I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no

Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?

[leaving the synagogue]

I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit

my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood

I’ve just been cleaning the kitchen and decided to shake out all the crumbs from the toaster that had missed the crumb tray. When I tried to replace the tray there was something stopping it going back. A little digging with a knife revealed the desiccated rear half of a mouse

DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.

The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…

I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.

A cabbage a day keeps people away.

Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets

We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead

My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.

I could not be more annoyed

*checks Twitter*

Ok, I’m more annoyed

“Recalculating. Recalculating.”

– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back