I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
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Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”