Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Answering: How are you?

“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return

“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions

“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀

Happy thanksgiving!

“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer

Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.

Dear microwave companies,

Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?

Sincerely,
Everyone

A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.

Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore

Me: Not this crap again, Brenda

Wife: That’s not my name

[while titanic is sinking]

me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol

The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.

*Followed*

Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude

My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.

Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran

My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.

Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.

Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??

Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy

there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.

If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not

– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg

Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.

Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.

I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make

Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.

Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.

There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.

Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.

Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.

Dracula: You can’t be serious.

Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.

Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.

And I’ve said too much.

Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂

her: sugar?

me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?

her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave

nurse: name?

me: david

nurse: age?

me: 35

nurse: sex?

me: almost once

Jesus: *rises after three days*

God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us