Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“She is not fine.”

~Sun Tzu

Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money

Me: please, I have a family

Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you

Me: but I have a family

Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?

Me: more than anything

Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.

What, I’m Asian?

*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*

*buys a bonsai tree*

So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.

STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today

Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.

God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife

Joseph:

God: starrrrrting now

This will never not be funny 😭

The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.

My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.

*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives

Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”

I’d rather you didgerididn’t.

Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids

Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”

I was up all night reading about insomnia

Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.

Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.

ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?

Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE

Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.

Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.

It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.

“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”

Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”

I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!

KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.

Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.

Me: that’s riddikulus lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife:

Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.

Hormones: hey what’s up?

Me: just reading a book.

Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.

Me: wait no—

Hormones: AND CRY.

Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie

BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.