Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.

[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet

“Live each day like it’s your last”

Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone

Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee

I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party

Baking is just science you can eat.

just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio

I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”

I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir

It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.

Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.

Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.

Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*

Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?

Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie

I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…

My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE

Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open

Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.

Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.

OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!

AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!

WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**

I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.

I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.

Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?

Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.

Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭

Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.

Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.

[before sex]

Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador

Her: why’s that?

Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags

him: I’m gonna kill you

me: oh no

him: with kindness

me: awww

him: kindness is my pet wolf

me: oh no again

Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?

Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video

I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.

One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.