Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

set yourself free xox

Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet

– Keys to a successful relationship

Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.

I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea

[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]

Dog: I guess I could protect you?

Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket

I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.

How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.

Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures

I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.

me: *falls down stairs*

kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!

me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this

My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.

Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.

My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.

I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.

I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.

My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.

Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.

The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.

Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.

Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?

Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.

The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.

His funeral will take plac

I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.

Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad

For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.

Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.

“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale

Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed

Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.

At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me

*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers

“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.