I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
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When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
peak technology
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*