Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?

Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”

“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”

ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.

DAUGHTER: Chad.

ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.

“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”

How funny!

Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.

When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.

you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser

Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.

My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.

In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.

Something Saturday.

I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.

Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.

CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea

The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.

Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation

WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine

I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked

“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”

-guy who invented condoms

#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!

Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?

*has no idea what a book even is*

Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me

Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine

*raises glass, winks*

[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]

11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.

Me: What class is this for?

11: I haven’t started yet.

Dear Aliens,

Now would be a good time.

Thanks!

Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.

Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.

If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.

I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people