I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
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*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Every time my phone rings
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
me linking you to my twitter
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs