I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
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I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.
pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
someone just bragged they had two jobs.
this country is so lost.