Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year

I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”

[doctor’s office]

Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!

I hate being bipolar it’s awesome

This is I, Robot all over again

Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink

You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work

“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.

“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”

“Really “?

“No”

death: it’s your time

me: in my dying era

death: what

me: going ghost mode

death: stop

“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”

AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey

[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella

[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife

So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!

Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.

My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.

That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.

There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs

The company hates when I helicopter into work.

It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”

“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”

Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!

Priest: This is communion…

M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-

P: Leave.

We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol

I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!

don’t be scared

6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?

[end of a job interview]

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?

Him:

Me:

Him: Which half?

“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.

Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.

Brain: you adorable idiot.

Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.

Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED

Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked