I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
You Might Also Like
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
me: can you empty the dishwasher please
9: what? What do you mean?
me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.
10/10 no notes.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same