I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
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Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
it was love at first sight
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
I told my vodka about you.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
I am patiently waiting for your email
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?