I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
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Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
me: that teaching babies to eat airplanes will destroy us all. one day we’ll create a baby large enough to eat real airplanes and be unable to either destroy it, or explain the horror that sating it’s desire for num-nums would unleash
date: …neat. my greatest fear is spiders
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
one time when i was a kid i fell off my skateboard & hit my head so hard i was briefly able to communicate with bees
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.
Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
My recliner and I go way back
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
quarantine day 3