Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out

shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween

She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?

I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.

But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.

How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?

‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’

-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.

the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help

Husband: *snoring*

It’s like he’s trying to tell me something

*snoring*

What is it boy?

*snoring intensifies*

Timmy’s stuck in a well?

Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.

I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.

The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.

Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.

You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.

Me: lets go get a drink!

Friend: what’s the occasion?

Me: …

Friend: …

Me: I don’t understand the question.

Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.

due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.

How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.

My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.

me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings

boss: what time can you be here

me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now

boss: we’re short staffed today

me: i’m getting seized

INTERVIEWER: strengths?

ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument

INTERVIEWER: great

ME: which could also be a weakness…

“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break

Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife

HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u

The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits

me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand

toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it

*Walks 500 miles

*Walks 500 more

*Is the guy who falls down at your door

*Knocks

*Gets no answer

*Realizes he should have called first

sir, my pâté if you please

Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.

American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom

Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj

“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”

HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly