I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
You Might Also Like
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Noah was an idiot.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
You better watch out
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
just woke up in a cold sweat screaming “WHY DIDN’T HAWK TUAH GIRL CALL IT SPITCOIN”
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.