Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Man I wish I would have thought of “knuckle sandwiches” when everyone was asking what I was bringing ro thanksgiving. It’s too late now 😔

Me: *leaves body to science*

Science: *starts crying*

I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.

I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.

When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.

🤣😂🤣

I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.

[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter

I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?

Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.

Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”

manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim

wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!

wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?

Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.

[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking

I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.

I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨

[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed

ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits

My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.

*at funeral*

Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.

Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park

I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.

Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….

I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.

If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party

“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend

What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.

I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.