I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
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Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…