‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
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Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.
Chicago sounds lovely.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more