‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
You Might Also Like
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Rather alarming headline…
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Previously On Persistence 😎
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Smile they said.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face