I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
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My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Getting drunk was invented by Big Text to make you send more texts
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Me: *looking fly*
Target self-checkout camera: lol no
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️