Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.

Oh.

Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾‍♀️😂

[Spelling bee, to clench victory]

“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”

Judges?

(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)

Correct.

Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone

Other surgeons: what

A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.

👀

*At the bar

Me)Is this seat taken?

Woman)I have a boyfriend

Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down

*kids walking

Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!

Kids: Okay!

*continue walking at exactly the same pace

What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?

Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.

Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?

6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?

Me: They can’t get in.

6: Why not?

Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.

Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.

I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.

[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO

[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]

For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.

[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted

I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies

I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.

Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?

ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED

The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.

I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.

I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”

End of date

Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night

Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss

Me: *honks horn as I speed away *

My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.

My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.

I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas