I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
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Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭