Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely af

Calling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck

The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.

“No man is an island.”

– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology

[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants

For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.

[Star Trek: The Next Generation)

Picard: Why are they firing at us?

Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.

Me when my alarm goes off

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.

*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*

I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.

When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?

– kids

oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again

*Makes joke on Twitter*

*5 Retweets*

*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*

If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it

Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.

Husband: But the seal is right th….

Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!

A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.

Fries, not lies.

if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.

Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”

me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work

cashier: you give me $7.48

me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?

cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day

me (smirking): everybody wins

“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”

-Cats

Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango

If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.

I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.

what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself

Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.

“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”

Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.

Just why bro?!

me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.

subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.

the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener