“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
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Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.
Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.
Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
i wonder if americans realize just how much more insulting the phrase “room temperature IQ” is to those who use the metric system
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some