I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
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Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY