I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
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Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
good morning
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please