I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
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crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Doordasher handed me my food and said, enjoy the meal..
I said, you too..
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.