I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
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I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Why? Just why? 😂
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
pelicons
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Get in loser, we’re going overthinking
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Erm I’m gonna say no
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.