I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
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My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
definitely did not do anything wrong
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Haha! 😂
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building