Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
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Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Interviewer: If I called your former boss right now and asked him-
Me: *smacks the phone out of his hand* don’t do that
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Follow your dreams, into traffic.
Then: I love to hear the sound of your voice
Now: ASK ME ONE MORE TIME IF I TURNED OFF THE GRILL I SWEAR TO GOD
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.