@The_Mentalyst

I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.

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@Jazzzzzmina

Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.

@StarWarsProblms

Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever

General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: If I called your former boss right now and asked him-

Me: *smacks the phone out of his hand* don’t do that

@TragicAllyHere

Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.

@cravin4

Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”

@yonewt

Then: I love to hear the sound of your voice

Now: ASK ME ONE MORE TIME IF I TURNED OFF THE GRILL I SWEAR TO GOD

@Steelers1972

I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.

@KeetPotato

my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son

@MattMcC1

“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.