@The_Mentalyst

I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.

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@HousewifeOfHell

Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?

@Ixwie

There’s really nothing worse than being forced to watch a video on someone else’s phone and having to pretend to laugh for 3 minutes.

@Reverend_Scott

[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

@trentistweeting

Why hello, dear!
“trent, did you bring cue cards to read off of during our date?”
Lovely weather!
“and did you only bring two?”
Why hello, d

@TheAlexNevil

*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?

Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.

Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?

@danjan13

100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.

@NoTheOtherJohn

*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*

@StevieKnip

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy

@MarlonBrandNO

MOM: Story time

ME: Yay!

MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”

ME: mom?