I never understood “baby” as a term of endearment – like am I cute and innocent or there’s a chance I may cry a lot and make a huge mess in my pants. I need answers.

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unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]


He said he liked surprises, but when I showed up late at night dressed as a clown and knocked on his window, it’s all screaming and shit.


Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.


I was tailgating a slow driver earlier. He brake checked, flipped me off, and when that didn’t work he turned his police lights on. Jerk.


4 out of 5 experts agree that when you put any 5 experts together, 4 out of 5 of them will agree.


Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on

Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops


Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!

I win.


doctor: how often do you exercise

me: does sex count

doctor: yes

me: twice a day

doctor: with other living ppl?

me: why would you specify living

doctor: just answer

me: no I don’t exercise


If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.