i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
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Everyone is awful in their own special way.
every. time.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
You can’t outrun your problems…
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
welp
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S