Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?

Skeleton: I’m you from the future

Me: how long?

Skeleton: 2 months

Me: are you here to warn me?

Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me

Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.

Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.

Me: No one asked you.

I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.

[Valentine’s Day]

me: *gets divorced*

[24 hours earlier]

me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this

Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.

Barber: What can I do for you?

Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?

Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?

Me: Can you do it or not?

Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out

Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?

If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?

Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease

No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.

As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.

getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”

Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*

Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something

And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much

There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.

> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat

I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.

[1st day as an animal researcher]

*tagging a bear*

Me: you’re it

Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer

Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”

I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.

Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse

Dance like no one’s going to press charges.

I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁

When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely

*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.

Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible

Son: [cracks knuckles]

Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]

[me as a ninja]

[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]

[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]