I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
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I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.