I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
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Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps