Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop me if you’ve heard this already.

-said no kid ever

“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*

If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.

I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.

Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all

Him: plays dead

It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.

I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.

I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”

I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.

There is no moral to this story.

Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task

When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.

I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight

me: why can’t I crack this egg open

wife: because it’s a lemon

me: first my car and now this

What’s the point buying it then?

Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.

The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.

My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.

[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien

I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.

If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.

I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…

NEVER. AGAIN.

Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair

I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…

Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.

For when Tinder doesn’t work

My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers

Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow

I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.

I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.

This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her

Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.

everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks

february: no