I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
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Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
SPLOOT
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
airing out the snack pack
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
marriage is sneezing 3 times in a row and then hearing someone in the next room yell “JESUS CHRIST”