I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
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You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real