I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
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If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
A horror story in seven words
Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Why is everyone getting married at me
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
$3 #books
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.