I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
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Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
her voice was as silky as silken tofu. but her words were as firm as extra firm tofu
love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…