Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.

Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.

Nurse: The what?

Me: Just do it, ok.

*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says

[at pet store]

Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

Domino’s : we said 30 min or less

I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.

superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?

batman:

superman:

batman:

superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?

batman: yep

The Jaws theme stays on during sex.

“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*

Holy moly

[portal opens]

dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!

gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-

dark lord: not now gary

We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.

My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.

My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.

You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart

“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.

Shout out to everyone who, like me, missed the northern lights for the second time in 2024.

when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch

WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?

ME: *climbing in* I can try

I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.

When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers

My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.

Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now

Renewed my membership this morning

another case of gang violins

as cold as it is i may take up that offer for a ride in that windowless van

James Blunt: you’re beautiful

James Blunter: I’ve seen better

Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.

*puts ex in Memory Lane*

*revs car engine*