Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate

It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.

-everyone on Twitter

[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.

The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.

Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.

Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild

what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question

Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time

My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep

I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.

Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.

10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”

Husband:

Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”

*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password

Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.

An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.

What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?

Payday

don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler

Me: Do the dishes.

10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.

Me: Do the dishes all week.

JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex

ME: lol

JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby

ME: what

JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again

ME: stop

I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.

I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.

Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…

9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”

And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information

I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.

Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.

Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.

No weirdos.

When a shoelace touches your ankle

If you’re depressed, start exercising.

You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.

Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.

[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]

the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah