I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
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On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Jesus Christ lmao
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.