@baronvonbike

I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.

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@just1fool

I’d like to thank the spider that descended from the bill of my baseball cap for getting me motivated today.

@shopkins776

*Lying in hospital

Doctor)Your back is broken in 6 places. You may never walk again

Me)At least I got all the groceries in one trip

@SamGrittner

INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”

@SvnSxty

Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?

Me: (holding back tears) 3 days

D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like

M: Not really

@aotakeo

3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch

@krisv_723

*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.

@ThaJawn

Best Buy: *opens first store

Good Buy: We should have seen this coming

@VerifiedDrunk

Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.

@Browtweaten

A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants

@TheCatWhisprer

Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.