I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.

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I’d like to thank the spider that descended from the bill of my baseball cap for getting me motivated today.


*Lying in hospital

Doctor)Your back is broken in 6 places. You may never walk again

Me)At least I got all the groceries in one trip


INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”


Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?

Me: (holding back tears) 3 days

D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like

M: Not really


3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch


*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.


Best Buy: *opens first store

Good Buy: We should have seen this coming


Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.


A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants


Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.