I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
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[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Well, that should do it
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants