I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
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There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
my best friend is a doula and while attending a birth last night, her husband used their shared spotify account at home…which meant that “cotton eyed joe” began blasting right as the mom began to push 💀💀💀
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
“They wanna come in but can’t get past the cats!”
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”
Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
When Dr. Pimple Popper squeezed people’s pimples for fun, they thanked her and gave her a tv show… but when I do it, I’m “violating boundaries” and “committing simple assault”, and “not a dermatologist”.
Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.