I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
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[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?
me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.
9yo: like clothes?
me: no they don’t have clothes there.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
me [stands up]:
my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Can confirm.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.