I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
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My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
I’m giving up ice.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
File under excellent bookstore names.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.