Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.

I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary

Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?

My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.

Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.

I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.

I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?

INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?

Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call

14: (setting his alarm for 5am)

11: Why so early?

14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.

Me: That is correct.

“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door

[being rescued from a deserted island]

me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks

them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise

**Pixar Film Themes Guide**

Toy Story: Jealousy

WALL-E: Environmentalism

Up: Bereavement

Cars: Cars

All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.

“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”

Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.

[Hunting Robots]

Me: You a robot?

Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*

M: Hm. That checks out.

Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.

Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand

Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of

“Be nice to everyone…

You never know who might have a pool.”

-Mahatma Gandhi

I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?

My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.

No word yet.

ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon

discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.

Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs

I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.

“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates