Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words

My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.

Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me

Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY

Do you want to taunt a snowman?

Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor

Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee

Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?

Silicon valley: no.

*hears Christmas carolers*

Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.

Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”

hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life

Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.

Lesson learned

*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*

Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.

Me: Sweet.

The 4 stages of a family vacation

If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die

Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.

There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.

[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?

I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT

*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*

‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’

‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-

*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*

-was jumping in.’

Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.

Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend

An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.

Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.

*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*

I heard you like bad boys?

*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*

Sup.

Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj

Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.

911: what’s your emergency?

me: there’s a really loud fight next door

911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun

me: omg thank you

My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.

I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.