Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *nods in agreement

Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about

Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.

Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History

Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.

My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.

I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.

The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.

When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”

TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces

me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]

[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-

Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.

imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait

*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*

Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip

Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance

The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism

[first day as a cop]

me: i found the body

other officer: any id?

me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner

There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.

My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.

If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?

Now security is showing me out.

Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.

*lying in bed*

*drops chip down cleavage*

*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it

*also, mmmmm, breakfast*

One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.

Anyway he didn’t call.

Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.

YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*

I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.

Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident

Is Dutch some sort of clown language

just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss

[at the gym]

wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?

*shredded wheat walks by*

wheat: SONOFA

I’m an asshole.

Sent from my Apple Watch