I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
