I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
yes, national anxiety is high, but at least it also gets dark at 4pm
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
